They say when you start a new job, it takes 3-6 months to adjust to the new role. Well my daughter is turning 18 months and I still have no idea what I’m doing. Some days I feel like I’m killing it and some days I’m counting down the hours till I can put her to bed.
The truth is, loving my daughter is the easy part. It’s all the other stuff about being a mom that makes it hard.
When you become a mom your identity completely changes. Your goals about work, fitness, traveling, having adventures, prioritizing your relationships – it all changes. Before I came a mom I was so scared of all the sacrifices. The crazy thing is once I had my daughter, it was so easy for me to sacrifice. There’s nothing I love more than spending time with my daughter and being a new little family. It was so easy for me to give things up. It was easy to make excuses why I can’t go to the gym or make brunch plans with my girlfriends. It was easy for me to walk away from a job a loved for years and take a step back in my career. It’s so easy to let days go by and realize I haven’t even stepped outside of the house. It was so easy to let go of the old me. A year and half later of letting go of “me”, I realize it’s hard for me to recognize the new “me”.
It’s hard now for me to remember my life before my daughter. These past 18 months has been this giant balancing act. Navigating having a new born in a pandemic, figuring a work life balance, second guessing every parenting decision, operating off little to zero sleep and every day dealing with mommy guilt. I’ve struggled. I’ve had the lowest and highest moments of my life. It’s not that I’m grateful of the new life I had, it’s just that I’m learning that some days I need to prioritize “me”.
Motherhood is not easy. There are days where I still feel isolated from the world and sad that my previous big world has become so small. But it’s when I have those bad days, and my small child only wants to snuggle me, that I realize that I’m her whole world. On those bad days I’ve realized that it’s not my daughter, it’s me. I’m the one who is struggling.
I’ve accepted that each day I’ll be changing and evolving as a person. I’ve learned that sometimes being the best mom means taking time for myself. I don’t need to be the person I was before I became a mom but I do need to take time to figure out who the new “me” is. I’ll be forever grateful for my daughter giving me the role of mom. I hope she grows up knowing that she’s my biggest accomplishment and that she is so loved.