Everything Feels Heavy During This Season

I came here to write tonight. This is my third draft. I don’t know what it is, but everything in my life during this season is just feeling so heavy. I’m dealing with an illness right now that’s one of those “invisible illnesses” where I look fine to everyone else, but I’m suffering nearly every day. It’s heavy. I feel–literally–like my body is heavy to carry around, but the emotional burden is heavy too. 

This is a tough season in parenting for me. My kids are growing out of the “baby phase,” which is great for so many reasons. Yay! We’ve conquered night sleep, potty training, and so so many “firsts,” but as I look at the baby aisle in the store, there’s also a sense of grief for the loss of the exciting and unknown future. You know, the one you dream about: Who will my partner be? How many kids will we have? What will they look like? Who will they be? With the relief that comes with knowing my family is complete, there is also a sense of loss in the known. I don’t know if that resonates with any of you, but it certainly feels very heavy for me. 

School feels heavy. My oldest child is not adjusting well to school, and we have big emotions before and after school every day. I know that’s normal, but it feels like so much on top of what’s already happening in my daily life. The daily grind and time constraints that come with early mornings and mid-day pickups all feels constricting and heavy. 

I don’t have so much else to say because I know from experience that I won’t feel this heaviness forever. I know that the Heavy Season will pass and that eventually, I will feel lighter and freer, and I will find joy in my daily life that I know I have had before. 

Of course, in the middle of it all, I still find small moments of joy. I find times to enjoy and love my kids and my husband, time to call my family, and cozy up with a good book. There is joy in the heaviness, but the season remains heavy.

But I’m here, without much to say, and realizing also that I’m not alone in this. So I wanted to talk about it, because I know talking about things usually helps. If you’re having a hard, heavy, or lonely season know this: you’re not alone in it either. Life will change, and you will be “up” again too.