Help! I’m having an identity crisis.
Talking to a friend yesterday we laughed at how we once said we would NEVER stay at home to be moms. We both found such pleasure and joy in our jobs, and staying home was not in the cards.
To be honest, growing up and even in early adulthood, I didn’t even think I wanted children. I thought that having a child would bog down my life, and you know what, that’s okay. Parenthood isn’t for everyone and it surely isn’t for the faint of heart.
However, when I met my husband, I knew he had to be a dad. Fit with the best dad sandals, dad jokes, and dad “rules” I knew that one day he was going to raise a world changer, and I would be lying if I said that didn’t make me love him more. The more I fell in love with Sam, the more I fell in love with the idea of being a mother. What would our baby look like? Would he have my eyes? Sam’s chin? A variation of one of our noses? These questions left me enamored with the fantasy life I’d created in my head of our family. I grew to love the idea of waking up on a Saturday morning to make breakfast, the sound of my child’s laughter in the next room, the smell of bacon in the air.
So when I had my son, it was a no-brainer that I wanted that life. Of course, no life is perfect and I knew that things wouldn’t be the fantasy I’d dreamed up, but I’d have my boys. I HAVE my boys, and I have never felt more fulfilled in life, in my motherhood but I’ve also never felt more lost in my career.
I never thought I’d be the woman contemplating my next career move. Do I want to continue teaching and making an impact on a plethora of children’s lives or do I want to focus my energy on my little man at home? As we begin to expand our family, am I going to look back and resent myself for all the times I dropped my son(s) off at daycare, them crawling after me crying so I can go and teach someone else’s child? A child who may or may not even be listening to what I’m saying? Do I still even identify as a teacher? Or have I morphed into a different version of myself? The version of myself that takes my son to the park every Monday, the Zoo on Tuesdays, and Grandma’s house on Wednesdays?
I’m having an identity crisis. I don’t know what I want right now, tomorrow, or in the next year when it comes to my career. I do know that I want to spend as much time holding my baby as he will allow. I want to enjoy the giggles and I don’t want to watch him crawl after me crying every morning anymore. I find myself craving more structure for his life, to make it a bit more predictable. I find myself wanting to shield and protect him from a world that is full of hate. I just keep thinking that I have to spend as much time with him as possible because one day he won’t let me hold him, he won’t even turn back and wave when I drop him off.
Help. I’m struggling. Nights and weekends don’t feel right. It feels like I’ve lost the court case and daycare gets him full time. My baby is growing up and I’m watching someone else raise him. Maybe we all go through this as mothers? Maybe we don’t. I just know that I’m having an identity crisis.