Out of body experiences… when your brain and your body need a break.

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I think all too often, as parents, we are spread paper-thin.  And with one small tear, we could break into an all-out sob-fest or just rage out.

The ugly side of humanity. Of living… Exhaustion, despair, wondering why and how and when, and just… feeling lost.  Personally, I know it’s my hugely empathetic nature that takes me on a roller coaster of caring for everyone else but myself… and then forgetting to take a break–that super important “me” time.  Because the best part of who I am comes out when I am giving to others. But I also know, from past and current experience, that I can’t BE my best for others unless I am taking care of myself first.  It is the truth.

It’s a challenge. I go through jolts of motivation where I get so much done for myself and in my life, progress and grow and change and fulfill… and then it just comes to a screeching halt.  And I’m lost.  Worn out, maybe?  Or possibly on the verge of another giant jump in my life.

In my life currently… we’re moving, so naturally, I’m freaking out.  I’ve been with my man for a bit over a year. We have three littles between us [Amelia 11, Trip 10 tomorrow, Kyliegh 8].  We talked for over a year online before we met, and I’ve never had such a REAL, raw connection with another human in my life. To say he keeps my heart safe would be an understatement.  We are a beautifully blended family.

So, of course, I question it—every beautiful, winding turn. I’ve been hurt and misled before, so I question it.  And he just lets me. And rolls with it. And stays.  And loves me, protects my heart. And it’s beautiful.  But I’m scarred, and needy, and I have all this love that just wants to be spread into every crevasse of the universe.  My internal is pretty much set, so naturally, I need to go outward…

*cue thesaurus search*

It’s draining.

I think every few months, I have a breakdown. I laugh as I type this, but it’s very true and very real.  My heart actually feels like bursting from all the pain I can’t take away, not in myself but in the world. In my partner, in my friends, family.  I’ve grown so much with not allowing myself to be overcome with emotion and pain at every turn, but to my core, I am a mother of all.  And I think I just really need to keep extending my arm as far as it can possibly reach in that sense.  I do small acts of kindness every day, I volunteer my time when I can, but I want more. Bigger impact. A larger ripple, if you will.

So I will rest, take a break, and I will lean on those who care about me. And then I will decide.  And I will do something.

I hope this helps someone. Ramblings of a mother, a girlfriend, a woman. A human who just sees the beauty of all humanity and wants to bring it out to the forefront as much as possible.  A wandering soul who just wants to fulfill a purpose. Maybe this is a start.

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