Someday when I’m not here, I hope you know how much I loved you.
I know I spent a lot of time complaining about sleepless nights, laundry, tantrums, and the general mess of life. But I wouldn’t have given up any of those things because they meant I was your mom. Someday when I’m not here, I want you to know that was the most important thing.
You are still both so young, so I fear that if something were to happen to me now, your memories of me may be hazy at best. For instance, you may think that my favorite word was “No.” I do say it a lot, but that’s part of my job as a mom. I have to keep you safe, set the boundaries, and be your constant. It’s not always fun, but I love you enough to do it. Someday when I’m not here, I want you to know that.
My love for you is so fierce and consuming and wonderful and painful and scary. Above all, it never quits.
My heart is always with you. It is always wishing you the best of things, people, health, experiences, emotions, everything. I whisper it to you before you sleep. “I want all the good things for you.
I also want you to be good people. I love you enough to spend the time trying to educate you on how to be kind. How to understand differences. How to identify problems and work to solve them. It is a struggle for both of us, but some times acts of love are. Someday when I’m not here, I want this act of love to live on.
Often, I think many of my acts of love go unnoticed and may be forgotten some day when I’m not here.
I show my love to you daily by doing simple things. I buy the cereal you like, make sure you brush your teeth, and remember where you left your favorite book. I take your picture in an effort to capture moments of you now, so that someday when I’m not here, you have a record of how wonderful and small you were. (And so I can watch them late at night when I miss you while you sleep.)
As I write this, I still worry that the love I feel for you has not been captured by these words. I know that it is unrealistic to truly think I can put in to words how deeply I care for you and always will. However, I am putting forth my best effort to make a record of it. These words to you are something tangible. They are something you can hang on to some day when I’m not here, revisit when you feel alone, or maybe one day read to your own children.
I love you my children. I hope I have shown this love to you well. Remember, no matter where the world takes you, my love for you will continue to be there even after I am no longer able to walk beside you.