Searching for Light after Child Loss

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Here at Milwaukee Mom, we mourn with all the mamas who have experienced child loss. If you have lost a child and need resources in your grief, please go here. 

The day my son was born was the happiest and most scared I had ever been, all in one moment. I had waited so long to be a mom, and I was ecstatic, but I knew in me becoming a mom, a baby had been born to a fight so difficult and so big. 

My son, Asher Robert, was born with a series of debilitating brain conditions. We knew the future would be difficult, but we had no idea that in less than two years, I would be signing a DNR and bringing my son home to die. Through it all, the hospital stays and specialists and medications and hardships, Asher maintained the sweetest demeanor and lit up my life, and the life of those around him, with his giant eyes, chubby cheeks, and incredible strength and bravery. He was the light of my life. 

So, it came as a no surprise, that when he died, my world became a little darker. It’s been nearly a year since Asher left his earthly life, and I continue to search for light after the loss of my child. Sometimes that looks like early morning yoga or sunsets in the afternoon. Other times it looks like self-help books and Lexapro. Sometimes the light finds me, in a random act of kindness or a friend calling to check in on me. Other times I have to seek out the light, in a good book, or an uplifting playlist. No matter how it looks, searching for light after child loss has become a major theme of my life this past year. 

As we come up on his first angelversary on July 1, the light seems a little harder to find and I felt the darkness start to sink in. With the help of some of those closest to me, I came up with Acts for Asher, to help spread my sweet boy’s goodness and to help remind me of all the light he brought to this world. It comes at an extremely fitting time as our country as a whole is facing a time of darkness. 

The idea is simple. I am asking people to perform a random act of kindness in Asher’s name, even though he was taken from us too soon. I ask this so the world can continue to experience his light, and then ask that they share it with me so I can feel that light all around me as I come up on the anniversary of the worst day of my life. It’s a simple concept that I am hoping can make a big impact.

Getting to be Asher’s mom is the greatest honor, and responsibility, of my life, and even though it is so, so hard at times, I am continuing to search for his light after this loss. 

*If you would like to join me for Acts for Asher, you can find more information here or on Instagram @actsforasher.

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