I just want to be left alone.
I remember very vividly the first time I said this to my husband. Obviously, it was POST baby. Pre-baby (and pre-pregnancy), I wanted all the cuddles, kisses, and love, but post-baby, I’ve been different.
Often I think it’s partly because of being tired. I wonder if I have the time, energy, and passion I once did, and how I can relay that to my husband, who is longing for the same thing I am…sex.
Slowly I realize that I just want to be left alone for one minute, one hour, just a little bit.
No baby suckling on me, whining for me, or needing me all the time. I want to be able to take 3 hours to deep condition my hair while soaking the day away in a long bath.
I want my breasts back and not feel the never-ending need to nurse my son when he wakes up and sometimes even to put him to sleep.
I find myself kicking my husband’s feet away at night as he tries to cuddle because, for once, I just want to be untouched. I’ve got grubby little paws on me all day. Can’t I just be left alone?
I spent the first 4 months of my son’s life just wanting to ride it out solo during bedtime.
It’s recommended that babies stay in your room until 6 months+, and we can’t even have sex with the dog in the room, let alone with a tiny baby who sleeps with one eye open.
One night, as my husband was lying next to me, sighing after another failed attempt at cuddling, I looked up why I was like this. Am I the only woman who wants to be alone? Am I the only one who has lost her sex drive? Is our sex life over forever because I just want to be “left alone”?
It turns out, many nursing mothers feel this way. Partly because we, in fact, do not have a lot of alone time. When you are nursing, a lot of your time, energy, and effort go into feeding your child. Your body becomes fatigued from it, and you don’t feel as excited to get ravished by your husband at night. Honestly, just laying there is even too much.
So, slowly I started to do things for me again. I started taking alone time, even if it were just 5 minutes locked away in my bedroom with my eyes closed. I started working out again, sometimes with the baby near, but most times on my own. I made time to cook again, bringing new life to the meals I once loved and recreating recipes I’d longed for but didn’t have the time to replicate.
And you know what, I figured if I can make time to work out, cook, clean… everything “society” tells you needs to be done to be a good wife, I can make time to make love and reconnect with my husband.
I’ll be the first to say that it’s not like it used to be, as there is lots of planning involved.
Condoms are hidden around the house in strategic places. We are timing interactions with baby naps and sometimes saying “yes” when I would rather just sit on the couch and be… you guessed it… LEFT ALONE.
I am slowly learning that post-baby, nurturing a marriage is more important than it used to be. It takes more time and effort, but it is the sweetest joy to be “left alone” with the love of my life, even if only for a moment.