The number of kids my husband and I would have was never up to us. I don’t mean that in the way some people say they leave it up to their creator. I mean it literally.
Going through IVF, it was up to science how many children we’d have. Then I went into pre-term labor with triplets, having to rely on science, doctors, and faith. All of which failed me.
When we chose to pursue domestic infant adoption, it was up to whoever chose us to parent their child. To be clear, this was very important to us. To have our child’s mother/parents express their consent.
As I write this, we are closing in on MJ’s 10th birthday. I am wallowing in grief and loss. Realizing every first is also a last. There will only be one time I get to observe all the firsts. I don’t get a do-over for the rookie parenting mistakes I make all. the. time.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel so lucky even to be the mother of a child I get to hold in my arms. I love the things we’re able to do because we only have one kid. But I really struggle knowing it wasn’t our choice to have just one. That everything about me becoming a mom was so dang complicated. It literally shocks me that some people are able to literally plan their pregnancies.
I love my little family. I just wish every first wasn’t the last.