I sat in the Walgreens parking lot for a moment, mapping my route through the store.
“You just need a pregnancy test. It’s okay. You’re an adult. You’re allowed to buy a pregnancy test.”
But I was still terrified someone would see me. It’s a small town. People around here know me. They know us.
I probably didn’t even need to buy a pregnancy test. I was already pretty sure I was pregnant. The tell-tale signs were there, and although I was only a day past my missed period, I operate like a clock.
I took a deep breath as I briskly walked into the store, grabbed a bag of m&ms and an orange soda, skirted quickly through the family planning section, fumbling for the cheapest test I could see at a glance and hiding it between my candy and soda.
The teen at the register was awfully chatty tonight, and as he scanned the pink box, I held my breath and my mind reeled with thoughts: “what do drug store clerks think when they scan pregnancy tests? Does he remember me being in here last week with my screaming three-year-old? He’s probably thinking, ‘the last thing that lady needs is more kids.'”
But the truth is, even though this potential pregnancy was unplanned… even though we thought we were “done,” deep down inside, my heart flip-flops a little bit at the idea of a tiny, rosy-cheeked surprise blessing.
And now, as I stand here staring at two pink lines on one test, the digital word: “pregnant” on the other, I’m elated and terrified all at once.
What will my husband think?
How will we make this work?
I hope it’s a boy this time.
How did this happen?
What will other people think?
Can my body handle another pregnancy?
That last question, specifically, carries a lot of weight in my mind and emotions. Having experienced 9 previous pregnancies and only 1/3 of those resulting in live births, the odds seem against me. And although this pregnancy is completely unplanned, surprising, and inconvenient… as soon as I knew I was pregnant, this pregnancy and this BABY are completely, utterly, desperately WANTED.
I WANT this UNPLANNED pregnancy.
I LOVE this surprise BABY.
People will judge and ask nosy questions. Let them.
It will be hard. So be it.
We will struggle. We will
And in the end, we will have more love, more beauty, more fun, and more children.
I whisper a prayer as I shove the pregnancy test in my bureau drawer, simultaneously freaking out, trying not to hope, but hoping… and wanting all the same.
Because unplanned doesn’t always mean unwanted.
Little surprise, you weren’t our plan, but you are SO wanted.