I know there are many of you out there who have a good group of girlfriends. You laugh and cry together. You have a group text together. You know pretty much everything about each other. You probably even refer to each other as a village or a tribe, if you’re super-trendy.
This is not a post to discredit you at all. Full disclosure — I’m really jealous of what you have and of what you are. I really want a village too.
So this letter may not entirely be for you. Maybe you can relate because you’ve been here too, or maybe you can share this with someone who needs what you have — a friend.
To the mom who feels she doesn’t have friends or the energy for friends. To the mom who schedules “dates” with potential friends and cancels them because she is afraid of actually going through with it. To the mom who feels lonely, isolated, rejected, or less-than.
I am writing this to you because I’m a lonely mom too — like, really lonely.
I see groups of girlfriends and instantly feel a tightening in my throat and burning in my nose and eyes. I picture myself standing outside on the street with my face pressed against the window looking in at them. I wonder why I can’t have that too. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not friend material? Maybe they have something I don’t. And then I walk away feeling hurt, thinking that maybe I just don’t have it (whatever it is).
Looking back over the last decade, I feel like I did have close friends once, but for whatever reason it’s faded over time. It could be them or it could be me or it could just be kids life messing it all up. But, I’ve struggled with believing it was all me and I still beat myself up about it. I’ll never forget the conversation I had when someone I called a friend told me that I didn’t really want community. She accused me of being fake and only wanting the perks of relationships without the work. That conversation echoes in my head every time I try to build new relationships. For a long time, I walked around thinking I didn’t deserve friends because but everyone deserves friendship. Everyone.
And then there’s that whole “being a mom” thing.
Sometimes I think that being a mother is one of the loneliest jobs on the planet. So much of what we do and what defines us as moms is done without anyone around. We get used to taking it all on and learning to make do with the two arms we were given. But in our striving to be good moms, we forget about ourselves and what we need. It doesn’t have to be a one-woman show.
You have SO much on your plate. Mothering isn’t easy and life can be hard. You’re doing your best, pouring everything you are into being there for your kids. It’s hard to even think about enjoying (usually cold) coffee and conversation with anyone other than your toddler.
But even in your isolation as a mom, you are not truly alone.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
There are other moms who are in the trenches with you. Doing their own mothering day in and day out. Feeling exactly how you are feeling. It doesn’t have to be every woman for herself.
I’ve decided I don’t want to be a lonely mom anymore. I’m still figuring this out but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with… get ready for it… putting myself out there.
I have to take the first step.
I know it’s scary for those of us who struggle with rejection, which is why I encourage you to choose one friend, acquaintance, co-worker, carpool buddy, to reach out to. Be honest and see what happens.
Oh how my heart hurts for you and for all the other lonely mamas out there. Yes, motherhood can be terribly lonely and isolating and draining. But I don’t think any woman should go it alone (even if there is a spouse/partner in the picture). Part of becoming/being a mom is that we are transformed into a new being, while still holding on to what we were. And that creates a tricky environment in which to discover and be comfortable with this new, yet same, being. And relationships are tricky. But I’m glad you’re speaking to this lonliness and I hope and pray that you find that person or persons to be a part of. Don’t let that hurtful comment reverberate in your head any longer. Your “tribe” is out there. I didn’t find mine until I was pregnant with my fourth kiddo. We’ve been together almost 8 years now.
I completely get it. I never had a ‘tribe’ with my oldest child. I felt so lonely. Things got better with my younger kids (my second child was born 7 years after my first, so it was a long time), but I still remember the loneliness.
I swear you wrote this about me! I know the feeling oh to well. I tell my husband all the time all I want is a friend/friends. But….feel that what’s wrong with me feeling because I just can’t seem to find my “tribe”. I sometimes can’t even look at Facebook because it hurts to much to see pictures and posts of friends together. I’ve tried so many times to put myself out there and your right the rejections is really hard!
Thank you for the article it was really nice to see someone else feels the same way.
Your response is ME. I even thought I found my “tribe” a few times but it always fizzles even with my effort. And feels one sided. Some weeks I feel ok with it and other weeks i feel oh so lonely
Most likely the person who made that comment to you about only wanting the “perks” without the “work” has some problems and insecurity issues of her own. People who lash out like that are usually projecting or are enduring some serious issues in his/her life. Don’t let that comment darken your attempts at establishing new and healthy relationships with other moms, or people in general. I have been a shy, introverted person most of my life and am only now (at 34 years old and with an almost-two-year-old) feeling comfortable enough in my skin to reach out and nourish some friendships. So, indeed, you are not alone. And neither am I.
I love this post and how real it is. I think we’d find a lot more moms feel that way you (and I) do. They just need someone to reach out. You’ve motivated me… I’LL be the mom to reach out to those around me. Best of luck in your journey!
My heart breaks hearing this story. Trust me please; there is nothing wrong with you. I didn’t find my first adult friend until I was over 30. Truly good things take time. I found my true kindred spirit when I was 40. Your friend is out there. Please know that there is nothing wrong with you. God doesn’t make mistakes. Remember God loves you, and He will always be your best friend. Take time to get to know Him.
I feel like I could’ve written this. I find myself struggling with how to even put myself out there. Between weird work schedules, spouses, kids, etc., it’s hard to make friends as an adult. I feel like all I ever do is take care of other people. At work. At home. I have no energy to keep up relationships. My close friends before I had kids don’t have kids and don’t get it. They think I’m blowing them off and don’t get why I can’t just get a babysitter and hang out. Or just bring the kids along, like it’s fun to manage two toddlers in someone else’s non-childproofed house. I tried explaining why that isn’t fun to my best friend but she just thought I was being dramatic. So slowly we’ve drifted apart. I’ve tried going to mommy and me classes, library story times, and parks but I have had no luck in connecting with anyone. I feel pretty lost in the friend department. I’m glad I’m not the only one in this situation but I’m also sad there are others in this situation.
I hope that this comment brings some perspective, but I’m one of those 30-something girls with a “tribe”. I’m not married and I don’t have children, but was subscribed to this blog through a mom friend of mine. I happened to stumble on your post and I feel the need to tell you that the grass is not always greener. Do not look at those Facebook posts and instagram filtered pictures as purely wonderful. No one posts the hard and lonely times. You’re totally normal. It’s hard not having a family to come home to, and I often find myself feeling the way you decribe. The only thing I can deduce is that we’re all responsible for our own happiness…single, married, mother, not a mother. I’m sure you’re a lovely person, and very deserving of a great friend. Invite some ladies over! Go to a workout class with someone as a routine. Pretty soon, I think you’ll start feeling less blue.
How many times can I take that scary step and put myself out there? After trying so many times and getting zero in return, I really am pretty convinced that I don’t have IT.
I was struggling intensely yesterday because of this!!!!! When I did have friends, I never had a one tell me I was fake or not pulling my weight, but I have been burned by people l thought were close friends in the past. I think that’s why I have low socializing confidence. Thank you for this. When I get in my lonely state, I’ll think of the other lonely moms, and hopefully not feel so alone.